Real-life – and real relationships – are only lived at this riskier, deeper level. If people are something to be fixed, if relationships are simply conversations about the weather, opinions, facts – surface matters – then we’ll never get our relationships to the deeper level of emotional attachment, transparency, or vulnerability. WHAT DOES EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?Įmotional attachments reveal what really matters to us. It’s true: real friends walk in when the rest of the world has walked out. And, yes, some people you thought would come through in a clutch let you down. These are the people who become your real friends. These people came to you – they ‘got in the boat’ with you, even though it might be sinking – and listened while they rowed. Think about those people who did not come into your life to fix, diagnose, or prescribe.
Think about those defining moments…but don’t think about the moment, think about the people involved. How many times have you had a significant event happen in your life? You are creating memories along the way. We will either become better friends, or the friendship will change forever. How a person responds to us when we’re spinning will never leave us neutral. How you and I respond to a person when they’re experiencing or reliving an abnormal event creates the same emotional memory that the actual event did. If your response to someone in a krisis includes phrases like “You’ll be fine.” or “It’s time to get over that.” you’re missing the boat. Want to shut down someone dealing with a krisis? Tell them that their recollection is inaccurate…tell them that what they’re thinking and feeling isn’t important….tell them that you remember the event more clearly and accurately, and it’s no big deal…ĭon’t be surprised if your relationship with this person alters forever. It’s the contents of their “memory stick”…it’s undeniable. Please keep in mind, it doesn’t matter if the account of the event is accurate or not, it’s the perceived experience of the person recounting the event. We’re uncomfortable with change…so our fight-fight-freeze-appease reactions kick into high gear. demands change in your normal routines.The event creates a ripple in your life because: It’s simple: if you want to make a memory last, attach an emotion! When we’re creating memories of our past, how does it impact our present…and our future? FIGHT, FIGHT, FREEZE, APPEASE… Why do we remember these moments so powerfully? The reality of remembering her first love was to also remember how others had responded when that love ended. She was amazed by the capacity of that memory to evoke such strong emotions, even though the event was so far in her past. Her emotional attachment to that message was so strong, she had held on to that feeling – the memory of her first love – for all these years. She smiled a grandma-like smile and explained that everyone kept telling her there were “lots of fish in the sea”, so he must have been a carp! I had to confess that I didn’t understand the point of the story. “Neither,” she replied, “but he was a carp nonetheless.” She told us that her first boyfriend was a carp!Īlright, I thought, I’ll bite… ”Was that his first name or his last name?” There was an older woman in the group who shared part of her “memory stick” with us, a message she kept getting as a teen. Remember: the event is never the real krisis it is the person impacted who determines the krisis, not us spectators! We talked about all the unhelpful things people say to a person when dealing with a krisis. They were walking through ways of resolving grief. When we have an emotional attachment to a particular pattern in our lives, it doesn’t take much of an interruption to upset our equilibrium… WHAT’S ON YOUR “MEMORY STICK”? Our responses to krisis aren’t always well-informed – as the person experiencing the krisis, or the people on the outside looking in. Worse yet, do you look back now and realize you said this to someone going through a challenging time? How many different expressions have you heard over the years…unhelpful cliches that provide no comfort, guidance, or support?
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